SPIT INDIA MOVEMENT

It is a national pastime of gargantuan proportions. Only the other national pastime- cricket rivals it in its popularity and reach. Most Indian citizens are acquainted with this very Indian sport and many of them are jubilant participants competing in it gleefully without expecting any prizes for their hard work. In one way these people are the true followers of Bhagavad Gita.

“Swaraj is my birth right” thundered Bal Gangadhar Tilak. “Spitting is my birthright” says the average Indian. No Indian citizen would forfeit his birthright to spit for anything in the world. We Indians just can’t have it any other way. However we should not discredit our spitters by putting them in a single homogenous group. That would be criminal as they are of different hybrid varieties and they warrant a classfication accordingly.

Red Dragon:

These are the eternal pan, gutkha , betel nut chewers. They were the pioneers of the chewing gum industry. The Yankees and Brits just copied it from us and replaced the pan with rubber.

Anyways, if not for these guys how will the aisles of cinema theatres, government hospitals and subways be decorated with such myriad shapes and designs, such art yet unrivaled by any abstract artist. These will be the future Ajantas and Elloras of our country bearing testimony to this hands free art devoid of paints and brushes. These artists work at a considerable cost to their life with the risk of oral cancer looming large, but these brave souls plough on knowing that the future generation will be eternally thankful for their sacrifices.

Casual Spitter: These people usually belong to the labour class – the coolies, rickshawallas, vegetable vendors etc.They have absolutely no qualms about spitting on the ground, it is as vital to them as breathing. They will not bother about the people standing around them, they are extremely focused on their mission – to spit and no amount of staring can stop these people. They’ll probably think you are mad if you tell them that people actually get fined in some places for doing the same.

Careful Spitter: These guys are the most dangerous as most of them are unrecognizable from the non-spitters. These are the mall going city bred types. However their eyes are always watchful and when they’ve made sure that no one is watching them out of nowhere an ugly blotch of fluid will appear on the ground. They’ll keep walking as though nothing happened.

Chronic Spitter: These guys usually suffer from some chronic lung disorder and feel the urge to displace the microorganisms colonizing their body to another human habitat free of cost, no strings attached. Research is going on to use these guys as potential weapons of mass destruction in biological warfare.

The “I am disgusted” Spitter: These guys do not actually transfer their oral fluid to the ground, they only mimic the action to show that they are particularly displeased or disgusted about something. They are present mainly in movies and mega serials.

The virtual spitter: These are the people who spit on India through their words and writing. A good example is Sir Vidia Naipaul who has taken it upon himself to make the Western world understand why India is such a hopeless and sick country. He has accomplished what a generation of Indian spitters haven’t.

The Spit India Movement would have accomplished twenty years earlier what the Quit India movement did, only if we had had a dedicated spitter for a leader. The brits would have fled the country if we had drowned them in a deluge of spit, tail between their legs.

Considering that we Indians are so good at this particular sport, we should press the Olympics Committee to include it as a sporting event. I mean if you can have a sport to assess how far a guy can throw something, you can also have a sport to calibrate the spitting potential of a person. Both require skills don’t they? Let us hope for the best. I am keeping my fingers crossed. If we succeed in convincing them, then nothing can stop us from getting that coveted Olympic gold!